Knowledge
by Cecilia

It's not as if Lance thinks Justin doesn't care, but then again, it's not as if he thinks that Justin doesn't know. Because it would be one thing if he were unaware of himself, if he were like JC who has quiet confidence about some things but no grasp at all on the way the roll of his hips affects pretty much everyone within a thousand yards. Lance can deal with JC. But Justin is completely clear on the concept of himself, Justin calculates precisely every time he flips his hair, the exact breadth of the smile he gives the teenybopper he's signing a picture for, and he gives the same one to the next girl in line, too, and damn if it doesn't work every single time. So even though Justin's not evil or anything, even though he doesn't laugh in the dressing room afterwards, even though he's grateful for where they've put him, even though he'd never intentionally hurt them, even though Justin is a nice guy and genuinely loves the fans, it's not the way they love him back. And he knows it.

Lance knows a few things, too: he knows the caramel-honey laugh that Justin still has, because he's never lost the slow sounds of Tennessee even though he's lived in Orlando a lot longer than Lance has. He knows the crack of Justin's voice on the high notes he can't really hit, but he doesn't want to give the verse up to JC or even Chris. He knows the contrast of tan line on Justin's wrist when Justin takes his watch off before a show. He knows the tattoo that Justin will never tell the press he has, because it's a band that spirals around his upper thigh, and very few people have ever seen it up close. Lance is one of them. Lance knows how it tastes, and he knows the clawing of Justin's nails at his shoulders when Lance is on his knees, and the twisted desperate choked noise that Justin makes when he comes, and Lance hangs on to that one especially because of all the sounds Lance has ever heard Justin make, it's the only one he is absolutely certain was not calculated for effect.

Can things like this start by accident? Lance thinks it might be the only way it could have started, for him to have just happened to be the one to knock on Justin's door that day (and why was it him, and not JC or Joey?) to call him for dinner; just chance, when he got no reply, to open the door and go in instead of assuming that Justin was already downstairs. At that point it wasn't accident at all to discover Justin crying in the bathroom, drunk at six o'clock in the evening. Justin wouldn't tell him what the matter was, which meant it was actually a big deal, but he was far gone enough to accept Lance's arms around him with no fussing, to allow Lance to rock him back and forth. From there it ought to have been a big step to kissing him, but the stars had aligned, the alcohol in Justin's system and the panicky fear in Lance's, and Lance's face pressed into the top of Justin's head became, in a confused manner neither of them really remembers, Justin's lips pressed into Lance.

So one little accident, and now it's out of control, Lance knows. Now he stands in back when they're on stage or in an interview and tries not to make it obvious that he's sneaking glances at Justin's ass; now he spends a lot of time wearing sunglasses at dinner or in the limo or even on the bus so that it won't be so overwhelmingly clear that it's hard for him to take his eyes off Justin's face, Justin's smile, and how it gets him, every time, even though Justin's doing it on purpose.

Sometimes Lance hates himself for being horny and lonely and desperate, hates himself because he knows that Justin knows, and almost almost doesn't care. Usually he feels like that on nights when Justin wants to stay, when he can't sleep at all because he's never slept well with someone else breathing on him and he gets nervous about turning over and waking Justin up. One time he did that and Justin, only half-awake, squinted his eyes, asked if Lance was all right, and then kind of stroked his arm until he fell back to sleep himself. That was when Lance promised himself that he would never tell Justin about what he really thinks. Because Justin is a nice guy and genuinely loves him. Just not the way that Lance loves him back.