Liner Notes
by Cecilia
Back then, back when JC had been a weird kid with a big nose and big ears
and big just about everything on his face, back when he'd worked out
practically 24/7 trying to convince a body that lost weight on eight Big
Macs a day that it wanted to put on enough bulk to catch up with his
too-big head, back when every time he passed a mirror he winced and tried
to ignore the nose and thanked God for the small favor of decent skin,
back then, Chris had already been hot.
And no matter how much JC might have liked, then, to believe he liked
Chris because he'd given Lou the finger and wore black leather to the
album photoshoot while JC had been too shy to argue and gotten stuck in
weirdass brown suede and pink checks, when he held the insert in his hands
for the first time and looked at Chris glaring at the camera, he knew it
wasn't the truth. He thought then that there were advantages to being old;
the rest of them all looked fake, somehow, like they belonged in playpens
or something instead of in more-or-less sexy clothes and on an album
cover. Chris was neat and compact and competent, his nose was in perfect
proportion with the rest of his face and his head with the rest of his
body. Everyone else had been trying too hard to convince themselves that
they were having fun. And then there was Chris, who hadn't made love to
the camera, who had just looked at it like he'd be happy to fuck it into
the middle of next week if it could only convince him it was worth his
time. Chris had had confidence. And really sexy hair.
When they first got copies of the album they were in Germany. Joey grinned
very big and didn't stop for a month; Lance got unnaturally quiet, even
for Lance, but JC caught him once sitting with it in his lap and smiling
gently. Justin kind of screamed and bounced at the time, and later on
cried a little. JC thought, looking back, that he himself should have been
diagnosed with shock, because he'd smiled and made the right noises but
for days and days it had been like he was swimming in sticky fluid, where
every sound he heard came from far away and nothing seemed exactly real.
He didn't really know what Chris had felt, because after he'd seen the
pictures he decided it might be best to not be around Chris too much, for
a lot of mixed-up reasons he couldn't exactly explain to anyone who asked,
maybe not even to himself.
During the lawsuit, when Chris called Dani every ten minutes, and Lance
and Justin both spent a lot of time crying on their mothers' shoulders,
and Joey just ate a lot, JC sometimes pulled out the album in the privacy
of his own room and stared at Chris, who stared back at him from beside
his liner notes.
JC had stopped worrying that Chris would grow up suddenly and want to quit
the band about two years back, around about when it occured to him that
personalities got older at the same rate that people got taller. So
although Justin seemed to add an extra year every day (and an extra inch,
more or less) Chris, who was already old, wasn't getting any more so
anytime soon. JC himself is twenty-four now, and he's grown into the head
(though he still worries about the nose). They've all grown, except Chris,
who's just changed, who's passed through periods of bad hair and
existential despair and self-hatred and everyone-else-hatred and love and
engagement and miserable breakup, and now he's back out on the other side,
with different hair, but otherwise still Chris. These days, when JC
repacks his CD case and glanced at the album, he isn't sure he still
recognizes anyone else.
And there isn't much to be done; and JC learned a long time ago that you
could get by pretty happy on what you were given, as long as you didn't
think too much about what you were not. When, after a long, long day,
Chris not only hugs him but runs a hand along his spine, from his
shoulders to the small of his back, JC takes a deep breath and reminds
himself that it's Chris, Chris who is alternately physically affectionate
and physically destructive with really anyone who happens to be in the way.
Of
course it's true that JC tries to be in the way more often than not.